Jewish Marriage Support

By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA

Q: My husband and I are having trouble in our marriage. We tend to fight about the same issues every day and he’s so emotionally distant. At what point should I consider seeing a marriage therapist?

A: A professional practicing marriage therapist can act as a mediator when it comes to disagreements and personality differences. These differences can cause any number of arguments. Most of the rifts a couple experience have the potential to end in a peaceful way, but then there are those rough and tumble situations where there seems no hope in sight. When the stability of your relationship is in question, marital therapy can provide you with the best relationship advice and guidance.

Seeking out marriage therapy to get unbiased guidance from a mediator who is professionally trained in such matters, is a good start to getting back what was lost between the two of you. The marriage family therapist will offer you their expertise and qualified suggestions as your professional negotiator. It’s sometimes nice to have that cushion when you and your spouse can’t seem to get past your marriage problems and communication has stalled.

Family counselors are certified professionals that have experience in all types of situations. Marriage therapy advice is a just a small portion of what they offer to couples from all walks of life. They also instruct a couple on techniques of how to strengthen their bond, improve their listening skills to better understand each other, and increase their conversational and interpersonal skills.

A marriage therapist will never place blame on a guilty party, if there is one. They only try to help you work through the misconceptions, accusations, and ego trips that may bring negative feelings into the relationship. You’ll find that marriage and family therapy will have a significant impact on your relationship and your lives. When communication becomes stagnant and it no longer exists between loved ones, family therapists can guide and teach you to share your feelings once again. They give a person permission to share their deepest fears and desires without feeling guilty or ridiculed by their partner. Egos are checked at the door when a mediator is present, for there is no room for them in a successful relationship.

Boredom, emotional neglect, lack of communication or attachment issues from childhood are just a few reasons why marriage problems may occur. The problems can be compounded or it may be just a single issue, but it is enough to shake the foundations of a relationship. When the couple fails to identify the causes of their difficulties, confusion and separation from the relationship can soon follow.

Sometimes, when a couple takes marriage advice from a marriage therapist, issues are revealed that were once hidden due to anger, misunderstandings, and a breach of trust. Using your marriage counselor’s advice can aid you through the process of working it out for yourselves. They have the knowledge and experience in these types of situations, and can offer you several techniques to work through your relationship issues.

There is the belief, or opinion, that family therapy should only be undertaken when a situation is too dire for repair. This is a false conviction for anyone who believes it. Marriage family therapy can be beneficial to any couple that is having issues, and at any stage in their relationship.

In many instances, troubled couples thought they were destined for divorce, and had actually started the proceedings, before they engaged in any type of family therapy. They soon realized their mistake once they began participating in regularly schedule appointments with their family therapist. The family therapy sessions saved their marriages from failing and taught them how to relate to each other in a more efficient manner.

It is best to begin family and marriage therapy when marital problems are still in the early stages. The sooner a couple engages in family and marriage therapy, the quicker and easier it will be to eliminate any misconceptions, anger, frustrations, and trust issues they may have.

Now, there are always those stubborn partners out there that refuse to participate in any marriage and family counseling. This should not stop the one individual that wishes to seek out the help from a marriage therapist. The marriage therapist can help the individual work through their own personal issues, and maybe once their partner sees the remarkable effects that the marriage therapist is having on their spouse, they may want to join in on the sessions.

Don’t be surprised when the marriage counselor digs deep into your private life. No judgment will be placed upon you; it just gives the therapist an understanding plateau of what makes you tick. It’s common to feel uncomfortable with disclosing so much personal information, but as your sessions progress, that queasy feeling will dissipate. The more open you become, the easier it will be to accept truths and understandings.

Seeking out professional guidance when your relationship appears to be bleak and unsalvageable is the wisest thing you could ever do. Regardless of the price you pay for family therapy, it can never be as expensive as losing a family.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is an expert in marriage, pre-marriage education, and working with teenagers at risk. For an appointment in person or via the phone/Internet, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723 or email: rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA

Not all marital issues can be resolved by the couple. Some marriage problems are too sensitive to handle alone. The subjects of such problems might include mistrust; lack of marital satisfaction; conflict involving in-laws, friends, siblings, and children; verbal abuse; and so on. When dealing with such problems, the best course is to ask a professional outside party for advice and opinions.

Why You Should Receive Expert Advice

Many people hesitate to receive expert advice because they are unfamiliar with it and feel uncomfortable. But professional advice is helpful and important because relationship experts have studied and dealt with similar or identical situations to yours, and they can assist you in seeing your situation from many perspectives with several solutions, of which one or more will suit you and your marriage best.

No matter what your marital trouble may be, always remember these important steps:

Acknowledge and accept the problem.

• Ask yourself why the problem troubles you.
• Approach your spouse with your thoughts and feelings.
• Talk it out.
• Stay rational.
• Seek an expert’s opinion and advice.

If after evaluating your marriage, you have found unresolved areas of tension, it’s important to try to resolve your problems before they spill over into the life of your child or teen.  Improving your marriage may be the most important thing you can do to help your teenager.

Therapy in Action

A few years ago, a couple, Sarah and Joseph, came to see me about their son, Moshe, 16, who was experiencing extreme difficulty in school. Moshe did not have any serious learning problems.  In fact, he was exceptionally bright and capable of succeeding in school.  His problem was that he was frequently missing class.  Recently he had started leaving school and spending time in an unknown location. Moshe’s parents were naturally concerned for his future.

When I first met Sarah and Joseph, I was immediately struck by how unhappy their marriage seemed to be.  Joseph was a quiet and reserved man compared to his wife. Sarah seemed extremely worried about whether everything was all right with her son.

When Sarah and Joseph tried to explain to me why they thought Moshe was in trouble, the discussion always seemed to turn into an argument. Joseph believed that his wife’s inability to nurture their son was the cause of Moshe’s school issues.  Sarah, on the other hand, believed that the source of the problem was Joseph’s inability to communicate in a warm way with their son.

Here is a dialogue from one of our sessions:

Daniel Schonbuch (DS): Tell me more about the general atmosphere in the house.

Sarah: Well, our family time is not very enjoyable.  I would say that Shabbos meals are the most difficult time of our week.  To start with, Joseph doesn’t run a very nice Shabbos meal. He is so tired from work that when Shabbos rolls around, he goes to shul, makes Kiddush, and then totally withdraws into himself.

DS: Is Shabbos that hard for you?

Joseph: Look, it’s not that I don’t care about the family; it’s just that I feel so burnt out after work.  When I come home, the kids are always yelling and I just want some peace and quiet.  I guess on Shabbos I just need a break.

Sarah: It’s worse than that.  You never have time for the kids or for me.  When you’re home, you just surf on the Internet, and on Shabbos you read the newspaper. Don’t you realize that Moshe needs to talk to you?

DS: I guess things are hard during Shabbos. What about your own relationship outside of your children?  How well do you get along?

Sarah: To be perfectly honest, we don’t have much of a relationship.  Joseph isn’t very excited about talking to me and we never go on vacation anymore.

Joseph: That’s not true. Last Pesach we went away to Florida for the Seder meals.

Sarah: We barely talked the entire week. I think you enjoyed your friends more than you enjoyed the family.

Joseph: What do you want from me?  I tried my best.  I can’t stand when everyone is nagging — your parents, the kids, you.

DS: Have you been having trouble relating for some time?

Sarah: Yes.  I would say for about the last three years.

DS: Why?  What was going on in your lives three years ago?

Sarah: Well, my husband is in computers, and after 9/11 his company started downscaling and he lost his job.

DS: What did you do?

Joseph: I was on unemployment for about four months when I found a job with another company.

DS: Are you happier now?

Joseph: Not really.  It’s an average job, and I don’t really enjoy the work I am doing.  However, it does pay the bills.

DS: That’s a big burden, having to support your family doing something you don’t enjoy.

Joseph: I wish I could get out of it, but it’s not easy to switch at my age.

I realized that at this point I had found a small opening that perhaps would help us to explore their relationship in connection to their son’s delinquency.  Sarah had mentioned that her husband lost his job about three years ago. I wondered if this also had a significant impact on Moshe.

DS: You mentioned before that the problems at work started about three years before.  When did Moshe start having trouble in school?

Sarah: About two years ago.

DS: Is it possible that some of the work stress started spilling over into Moshe’s life just after Joseph lost his job?

Sarah: Maybe, but I’m not sure.

DS: Is it possible that the strain on the family became greater after Joseph lost his job, and this is the reason that you also are not getting along so well anymore?

Sarah: It’s possible.  Two years ago I started working again, and since then I have been unable to give the kids the kind of attention I used to give before things got hard.

During that session, I was able to refocus their energy from solving Moshe’s problem to solving their marital discord.  Over the next few sessions, we began exploring the way Relationship Theory could help their marriage.  We talked about spending quality time together, understanding each other’s needs, and reducing critical and destructive language.

After six months of working with this family, I began to see changes in the way they related to their son.  Moshe began to feel more comfortable in their home and was more willing to give school a try and focus on his studies.  In general, Moshe’s family was typical of the families I see with teens at risk.

Often some type of emotional imbalance exists in the family and eventually one or more children begin to exhibit signs of distress.  When such symptoms of distress crop up,, the best approach is to seek out professional advice and find ways to improve the relationship with the teenager.

Resolving conflict between the parents is a positive step parents can take to help support the emotional growth of their children.  A good marital or family counselor will be able to break habitual patterns of triangling, and relieve the emotional distress that may be contributing to a teenager’s at risk behavior.

• Explore your relationship with your spouse and check for any unresolved issues that may be affecting your teenager.
• Avoid triangling and using your teenager to communicate with your spouse.
• When necessary, seek professional advice on how to improve your marriage.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is an expert in marriage, pre-marriage education, and working with teenagers at risk. For an appointment in person or via the phone/Internet, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723 or email: rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA

To feel loved and nurtured your spouse needs to feel that you empathize with their emotions. The key is empathy. Empathy isn’t the same as sympathy or pity. It means being able to put yourself in another’s position, to feel what they feel and see what they see, without losing yourself in the process. And it means you do all of that, even though you may disagree with your spouse’s perceptions, opinions, or feelings. Take a few minutes a day, at a time that works best for both of you, to empathize with the stresses and strains you are each experiencing in other areas of your life. It can make a difference between a marriage that succeeds, and one that fails.

Through empathy you can deepen the effect of active listening and make your spouse feel that they can turn to you whenever they need to. Empathizing means that we listen without judging the other person’s thoughts and feelings. We tell them that we understand what they are facing and share their pain.

Here are two scenarios that contrast empathetic versus non-empathetic communication.

In the first conversation, Shlomo goes on the attack with Batya, and forgets that she is just looking for someone to empathize with her feelings, not solve them.

Batya: I’m so upset at my sister for not inviting our entire family to the simcha.  I can’t believe she would hurt us like this.

Shlomo: She’s terrible! I can’t stand when she plays her games.

Batya: You better believe it.  Last year we spent so much money on her visit, to make her happy, and now she does this? I’m really angry.

Shlomo: We spend so much on her.  Why can’t she reciprocate!?

Batya: She always plays games like this. I never know where she is coming from.

Shlomo: Yeah. She has done this so many times before. I’m getting used to it.

Batya: That’s right. She has always behaved like this. I remember when we were little kids she would make sure to hog the nosh before anyone else did.  She would just grab the pack of treats and eat them in her room, so nobody could see.

Shlomo: I told you.  She is a grabber and cant control herself!

Batya: Right, just like now.  She doesn’t think of other people’s feelings.

Shlomo: She never does.

Batya: I am so hurt!

In the following dialogue, Shlomo utilizes the power of empathy to relate to his wife’s feelings.

Batya: I’m so upset at my sister for not inviting our entire family to the simcha.  I can’t believe she would hurt us like this.

Shlomo: You’re feeling hurt by your sister.

Batya: You better believe it.  Last year we spent so much money on her visit, to make her happy, and now she does this? I’m really angry!

Shlomo: We spend a lot of money, and now she tells you we can’t come.

Batya: She always plays games like this. I never know where she is coming from!

Shlomo: You don’t trust her and you don’t understand how she makes decisions.

Batya: That’s right. She has always behaved like this. I remember when we were little kids she would make sure to hog the nosh before anyone else did.  She would just grab things and hide in her room, eating them.

Shlomo: She grabbed things before you had a fair chance.

Batya: Right, just like now.  She doesn’t think of other people’s feelings.

Shlomo: You feel she doesn’t care about you.

Batya: That’s right. I wish she would be more sensitive to my feelings.

Shlomo: I understand.

Being empathetic takes time and effort. To deepen your level of empathy, here are some of the dos and don’ts that can make a difference:

Empathy Don’ts

• Don’t ignore what your spouse is saying.
• Don’t diminish the importance of your spouse’s concerns:
• “What’s the problem?” “Don’t be so sensitive!”
• Don’t rush to fix the problem: “Well, if I were you I’d…” or, “You should have…” Many people mistakenly believe that downplaying worries or offering advice is helpful. In fact, pat reassurances often magnify negative feelings, since they force a person to try even harder to feel acknowledged.

Empathy Do’s

Do pay attention. Set aside the newspaper and turn off the TV when your spouse is talking.

• Do validate feelings. “He gave that special assignment to the new recruit? I can see why you’re annoyed.”
• Do ask questions with genuine interest. Make sure your spouse knows you heard what he or she has said. “So how did you respond to him?”
• Do respond with affection, understanding, and support:
• “I’m really sorry you have to put up with that.” “Oh, sweetheart, that could happen to anyone. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
• Do show support. Take your spouse’s side. “I think your boss went a little overboard, too,” is appropriate. “Well, you shouldn’t have been late in the first place,” isn’t.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is an expert in marriage, pre-marriage education, and working with teenagers at risk. For an appointment in person or via the phone/Internet, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723 or email: rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

 By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA

One of the most powerful dimensions of a successful marriage is a couple’s ability to keep focused on each other’s good points and unique personality traits. Too often, people become fixated on the negative.  They “sweat over the small stuff,” and forget about the positive points that brought them together in the first place.

 When I’m told by couples who have been married for ten or twenty years that they have lost their loving feelings toward one another, I respond by saying that it’s a matter of perspective. If they can change the way they view one another, they will also be able to change their feelings and actions.  For example, when couples get married, most have an abundance of positive feelings toward each other.  They are attracted to one another on an emotional and physical level. Yet, after time, feelings begin to change. Emotional inertia sets in that leaves them with a gnawing sense of rejection and disappointment. To get over the emotional hurdle, they need to shift gears and contemplate all the right reasons they got married in the first place. Ultimately, they need to focus on each other’s unique qualities and highlight their individuality.

In counseling, I also help couples focus on their unique points by going back to the beginning of marriage and recalling with them the enthusiasm and exhilaration both had for one another. Reliving the engagement period is an easy way to get started. Most couples will fondly recall the excitement of shopping for their engagement ring.  When they entered into the jewelry store, their eyes were drawn to the brilliance of precious stones, their unique sparkle, and the beauty of their settings which captured and displayed their radiance.  Eventually they chose a ring that called out to them and said, “This one is unique, there is none other in the world like me.”

The ring, I explain, is an appropriate metaphor for marriage.  One starts a marriage feeling that they have chosen their special “ring,” one so unique that it will never be found again. For the first few years, the ring maintains its sparkle.  However, after five, ten or fifteen years, the brilliance can become dull. It’s a fact of life that the human eye becomes weary of even the most beautiful objects. When we see something all the time, we tend to lose sight of its beauty; we tend to take it for granted. And when we do, the secret to a long and successful marriage is for each individual to remind themselves of the gem they found in the first place.

Shmuel, 30 and Rivka, 28, came to speak with me about their troubled marriage. He was a law student and rabbi, and she was an occupational therapist.  Each was at the top of their class.  They were charming, talented, and full of life, but somehow over the years, they lost their “spark,” and were more focused on pointing out each other’s faults instead of finding their strengths. A common interchange would revolve around her feelings that her husband had lost interest in their relationship and his feelings that she was overly critical of his behavior.  They often fought about house cleaning, childrearing, and how money was being spent.

I suggested to Shmuel and Rivka that they needed to reexamine the reasons they got married in the first place. To start the process, I suggested that even the simplest objects can be enjoyed.  Take a rose for example and stare at it for several minutes.  Look at how its petals are perfectly placed next to one another.  See how each petal reflects varying shades of red and blends precisely to the petal that gently rests beside it.

You see, the more you look closely at something as simple as a rose, the more beautiful it becomes. So too, in a relationship, a husband and wife need to think about their spouse’s unique identity, and by doing so, begin to appreciate the special “one” that they married. They need to appreciate their spouse for who they are instead of what they expect them to be or not to be.

Think about all the positive qualities inherent in most individuals:

-Loving-kindness

-Sensitivity

-Flexibility

-Sense of humor

-Capacity to grow

-Parenting skills

It’s all about focusing on the good in one another and using that reference point to develop a better relationship.

Unfortunately, I have seen many couples who spend a significant amount of time nit picking about each other’s faults. Instead, they need to change their lens of perception and view their spouse in a positive light.

Relationship Quiz

To change your perception of each other, I suggest making a list of your spouse’s positive points. Here are some questions that can get you started:

What unique qualities does your spouse have?

What are his/her talents?

What can he/she do that you are unable to do yourself?

What tasks does he/she fulfill in the marriage that makes your life easier?

In what ways does he/she help you develop your own identity?

What acts of loving-kindness does he/she do for you, un-noticed?

With your new list you can review your spouse’s good points every day.  I even suggest keeping the list in your wallet, and glance at it every night before  coming home from work.  The “individuality” list can gives couples the energy needed to grow closer together each day.

Relationship Test: Individuality

How often do you nurture your spouse’s awareness of his or her individuality? 

1        2        3         4         5

Never  Rarely  Constantly

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is an expert in marriage, pre-marriage education, and working with teenagers at risk. For an appointment in person or via the phone/Internet, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723 or email: rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.